So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
