My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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