I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize