My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
