He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
