she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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