I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
