Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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