I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
