you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
