So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
