absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
