Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
