There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
