there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
