She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just threw up on my dentist
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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