I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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