Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We are all done wearing pants today
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
