so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
