if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
