I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
