Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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