There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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