I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
