Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize