just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
