so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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