Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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