Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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