Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I cut my penus on the lid.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
