I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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