I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
