Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
