By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
