He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I am spending my child support on dildos
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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