he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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