Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
