the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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