last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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