just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize