I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
