Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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