I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
When did angry sex become our thing?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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