My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
