so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
