So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She's the barista slut.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
