when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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