Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
