News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
