69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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