It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
The air taste purple.
Randomize
