Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
BRING THE BAGELS
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
