she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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