what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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