I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
