and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
