DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
