the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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