and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
