Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize