His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
