Capitaan dildo arrescate!
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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