you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
