epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize