The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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