She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
