If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
