FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
