I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
