please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
